5 Ways To Negotiate Grief

*content warning* this post talks about death, if this topic is sensitive for you maybe skip reading it.

In this blog I mostly talk about Pilates but sometimes I use it more as a personal journal. In the process of writing and editing my thoughts on a topic can come into focus. Because “+ Life” is in the name of the blog, one of the pleasures is that I can write about whatever is calling to me. 

This week that calling is to talk about the end of Life

These are my thoughts and mine alone but maybe they’ll bring you some solace.

photo by Lahiru Supunchandra 

I’ve had a lot of death come into my life in the past three weeks. Four people I know have died.

It’s not my place to share their stories.

What I would like to share are my thoughts on sitting with the swirling pain, the catch in my throat when a memory of them hits me, and the physicality of the weight of their loss. 

How have I been processing not only their lives but their influence on mine?

We all know that this life we have is impermanent; what’s the saying about the only two things we can’t escape? Death and Taxes?

Of course I’m aware of this but it didn’t soften the blow when I heard the news that people that I knew and loved had died.

The friend of ours who was not very healthy? That death was a shock.

The person who had been fighting cancer for years, waging their battle with what I can only describe as great beauty and the person whose cancer we didn’t even know about? Both unexpected deaths.

The one we assumed would outlive us? That death hit especially hard. 

I don’t think you can predict how you’re going to feel when someone you know dies. My overwhelming feeling is of being at sea, of being unmoored, but I also have this feeling of incredible heaviness.

So how have I been coping?

Here are 5 ways I’ve been dealing with my grief:

1. First up, I’ve been Talking, talking, talking, and talking. I’ve been calling up all of the memories using photographs of shared times to remember, to laugh and to cry, telling stories about them, about us.
2. The Crying - there has been so much and it’s still ongoing, coming unexpectedly at the slightest thought of not only those four dear people but the pain their immediate loved ones are experiencing. My goal is not to stifle the tears but welcome them, almost enjoying the feeling of emptiness by sensing that I’m being prepared for some sort of renewal.
3. Work or I suppose, Purpose. I’ve stayed the course in my teaching practice. I’ve kept working even though my lovely clients, seeing my pain, have offered to give me space. Working has felt right. The structure has also brought to mind the trope of “life goes on” which is true even if there’s been a ginormo rift in my universe. 
4. Movement, Sleep, Nutrition, Community, Mindfulness - I’ve worked hard on the Pillars of Health, trying not to fall into the pitfall of excuses, knowing that keeping these pillars strong, to the best of my ability, is how I need to nurture myself to deal with the losses.
5. Ritual. Two ways: one a chanting practice that was offered to us to help one of the four souls loosen the tethers from this mortal coil and move into the next phase of their existence. It’s exquisitely beautiful, sad and mournful. My other ritual? Of course, my Pilates Practice.

photo by Joshua Sortino

My Pilates Practice has Temporarily Changed

The way I’ve been practicing on my mat to deal with my pain is much less technical than normal, yes the exercises are still recognisable as Pilates but what I’ve been doing is less a mind/body practice and more a movement meditation.

I’ve given up on any clear form or “good” technique and have instead just moved without thinking, letting the physical sensations wash over me.

I’ve been able to lessen that sense of heaviness & weight by tapping into the pure movement experiences of rolling, bending, stretching, and breathing and letting my intuition guide how I want to move.

So that’s what I’ve been doing; as I said, this is what’s been working for me but really however we choose to grieve is the absolute perfect way.

I wish you peace.

xBec

photo by Nico Frey 

The information contained above is provided for informational purposed only. The contents of this blog are not intended to amount to advice and Rebecca Forde disclaims all liability and responsibility arising from any reliance placed on any of the contents of this post.

 cover and social photo by Ben Vaughn